Gwen's Bear Gets It ON
posted by DrCheese @ 8:52 AM
2 comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A Lesson in Letter Writing
As you know, the LadyDen are avid emailers. Classy ladies sign their emails, whether we say "love", "yours", or "sincerely". Gwen is a big fan of closing emails with "Signed". Gwen also likes to play around with her signatures. We've hand-picked some of her best and pasted them below. Enjoy.
From: Gwen
To: The Lady Den
Guys,
I hate work.
Signed,
"mm...nachoes"
"a crappy spacebar"
"whatever it is, it makes me nervous"
"a squirrel named bobby"
"the littlest, cheapest hobo you know"
"they said they were just going to drive me home...and then i was in glenco"
"a confused child"
"me want free food"
"medicare"
"teen beat"
"i don't care if someone reads this"
"the cast of frasier"
"alternative lifestyles"
"the baby megan's going to be a nanny for"
"an 85-year-old retiree"
"suddenly pretending to care about hygiene"
"Alsip trash"
"a pair of shoes"
"maybe i'm diabetic--like stacy mcgill"
"the product of absolutely no mental stimulation all day"
"don't leave your small children with my husband"
"the crazy hobo in the alley"
"teen acne"
"miller time"
"a menopausal woman"
"tears in heaven"
"the sun's making me feel gross"
"they should make prisoners do medical billing"
"i keep telling everyone at work i had a stroke on one side of my body"
"the little engine that couldn't"
From: Gwen
To: The Lady Den
Guys,
I hate work.
Signed,
"mm...nachoes"
"a crappy spacebar"
"whatever it is, it makes me nervous"
"a squirrel named bobby"
"the littlest, cheapest hobo you know"
"they said they were just going to drive me home...and then i was in glenco"
"a confused child"
"me want free food"
"medicare"
"teen beat"
"i don't care if someone reads this"
"the cast of frasier"
"alternative lifestyles"
"the baby megan's going to be a nanny for"
"an 85-year-old retiree"
"suddenly pretending to care about hygiene"
"Alsip trash"
"a pair of shoes"
"maybe i'm diabetic--like stacy mcgill"
"the product of absolutely no mental stimulation all day"
"don't leave your small children with my husband"
"the crazy hobo in the alley"
"teen acne"
"miller time"
"a menopausal woman"
"tears in heaven"
"the sun's making me feel gross"
"they should make prisoners do medical billing"
"i keep telling everyone at work i had a stroke on one side of my body"
"the little engine that couldn't"
posted by DrCheese @ 12:57 PM
1 comments
Hear ye, hear ye
The LadyDen would like to share the following speech from Grey's Anatomy with you. We feel that when something comes along that we particularly enjoy(ed), we ought to share it with our readers. The following appeared on Monday's episode.
(For those of you who don't watch the show, Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey fell in love unbeknownst to Dr. Shepherd's wife.)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: (something referencing her sleeping around)
Dr. Meredith Grey: What did you say to me?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Who's gonna be next? Brian? He sleeps around. You two have a lot in common.
Dr. Meredith Grey: You don't get to call me a whore. When i met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and the bars, and all of the obvious daddy issues. who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
Signed,
A Den of Ladies
(For those of you who don't watch the show, Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey fell in love unbeknownst to Dr. Shepherd's wife.)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: (something referencing her sleeping around)
Dr. Meredith Grey: What did you say to me?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Who's gonna be next? Brian? He sleeps around. You two have a lot in common.
Dr. Meredith Grey: You don't get to call me a whore. When i met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and the bars, and all of the obvious daddy issues. who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
Signed,
A Den of Ladies
posted by DrCheese @ 5:35 AM
0 comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006
We love Grizzly Man.
by Megan
“I think that maybe those bears just put up with him there for so long because they thought he was retarded or something,” says a man with a thick handle bar mustache who is standing in the wilderness in front of a small plane.
Right. The bears had a conversation and decided that someone was mentally retarded, so they didn’t eat him right away. The bears would feel bad about eating the retarded guy because he just didn’t know any better. That’s just what bears do. They sit down over a cup of joe and have a meeting regarding the current mental status of the man who has decided to live in their midst every summer for fifteen years. I buy it.
If you believe that this happens, and that bears are reasonable beings with which to deal with, then you must be Timothy Treadwell—well, he’s dead now because a bear ate him, but maybe you knew Timothy Treadwell and were part of his Grizzly Bear Fan Club.
Last August, a documentary came out called Grizzly Man. This movie has pieced together footage from Timothy Treadwell’s summer excursions to the Alaskan wilderness to live with, study, and befriend brown grizzly bears. This film also has many other kooky characters, presumably for the benefit of future action figures or coloring books. There’s the Crazy Coroner, complete with shifty eyes and lack of subtleness! Then there is Jewel, who describes herself sort of like “Timothy’s widow”. “They dated for five years,” she is sure to remind you over and over and over again throughout the film, as if to validate the fact that just because she loves nature, short bob haircuts, and boots, doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian. But Timothy Treadwell, with his short blonde bob haircut, boots, and love of nature might just be a lesbian.
Also included in the film are a cast of characters that the Lady Den Girl’s came to love and enjoy throughout the film almost more than the actual Grizzly Man himself. We loved the bears. I loved the foxes but the bears, too.
The movie is full of terrific moments between Timothy and his animal friends. He’s like a modern day Saint Francis of Assisi, minus the religious aspect (at one point in the film he refers to the son of God as “Jesus Boy”), the tranquility (he liked to swear at the animals and then burst into tears), and the posthumous reverence and admiration that Saint Francis received. More likely, people look at Timothy Treadwell and think something more attune to what the pilot was thinking: Was he retarded?.
Timothy was sure to give each of his animal friends a special name, which the Lady Den quickly adopted as their own. Colleen and I, who were maybe most in love with the movie, picked which bear or fox friend most accurately described each Lady Den girl.
There was…
-Sergeant Brown, who is most like Daina for his strict Eastern European ways and enjoys to knit.
-Wendy, who is really a lot like Mara. She was also Timothy’s favorite bear, as is proven in the poop scene. Timothy is walking down a path and sees a steamy pile of shit. He proceeds to touch the poop and then says, “Some people might think it’s weird because I’m touching the poop… but it was in Wendy! I love Wendy! It’s a part of her!” Yeah, that about sums up Mara.
- Aunt Melissa, is clearly Katie, maybe only for the reason that Timothy named her “Aunt”. She sounds like an old lady who might make you cupcakes and dress in sweater vests. Now if only Aunt Melissa the Bear chugged Miller Lites like a desert traveler who hasn’t had any fluids in weeks, then it would be a dead on comparison.
- Mr. Chocolate is Colleen. We have decided that Timothy really meant that the bear’s name was Mr. Choklit, because the bear was super hip. But now to be even more hip, the name is M-Chok, like a rapper.
And then there were the fox friends, who were my personal favorite for their little tricks and games.
-Timmy the Fox is me, Megan (or T-Fox, my rapper name). I love that Timothy named a fox after himself. I also love that none of the bears have “the Bear” after their name, as if to clarify their species. Timmy the Fox was just hilarious the whole movie! A real show stealer!
-Ghost is Gwen. He’s a good friend of Timmy the Fox and lives in the same den. Ghost also caused some trouble and made Timothy very angry. He stole Timothy’s hat which led to a chase scene. “Ghost!” Timothy yells. “You come back here with that hat! That hat is critical to this trip! CRITICAL!” After yelling this, Timothy appears to have a little breakdown where he starts to cry and screams, “Ghost! If that hat’s in the den I’m gonna fuckin’ explode!” Woah. Settle down, Timothy.
The Lady Den suggests that everyone see this movie. We are not recommending it so you can further your appreciation of nature and the majesty of the Grizzly Bear and the need to increase and expand conservation efforts, but we recommend it so you can see these crazy, crazy people. You might think, “At least I didn’t let myself get eaten by a bear, so I must not be that crazy.”
Some of Our Favorite Quotes:
Timothy: “I've always wished I was gay, it would have been a lot easier. You know, it's just Bing! Bing! Bing! - gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it's like so easy for them and stuff.”
Timothy: “If that hat’s in the den, I’m gonna fuckin’ explode!”
Sam Egli, the Pilot: “That bear, I think, that day, decided that he had either had enough of Tim Treadwell or that something clicked in that bear's head that he thought 'Hey, you know, he might be good to eat.’”
Timothy: “I want rain. I want, if there's a God, to kick some ass down here. Let's have some water! Jesus boy! Let's have some water! Christ man or Allah or Hindu floaty thing! Let's have some fucking water for these animals!”
“I think that maybe those bears just put up with him there for so long because they thought he was retarded or something,” says a man with a thick handle bar mustache who is standing in the wilderness in front of a small plane.
Right. The bears had a conversation and decided that someone was mentally retarded, so they didn’t eat him right away. The bears would feel bad about eating the retarded guy because he just didn’t know any better. That’s just what bears do. They sit down over a cup of joe and have a meeting regarding the current mental status of the man who has decided to live in their midst every summer for fifteen years. I buy it.
If you believe that this happens, and that bears are reasonable beings with which to deal with, then you must be Timothy Treadwell—well, he’s dead now because a bear ate him, but maybe you knew Timothy Treadwell and were part of his Grizzly Bear Fan Club.
Last August, a documentary came out called Grizzly Man. This movie has pieced together footage from Timothy Treadwell’s summer excursions to the Alaskan wilderness to live with, study, and befriend brown grizzly bears. This film also has many other kooky characters, presumably for the benefit of future action figures or coloring books. There’s the Crazy Coroner, complete with shifty eyes and lack of subtleness! Then there is Jewel, who describes herself sort of like “Timothy’s widow”. “They dated for five years,” she is sure to remind you over and over and over again throughout the film, as if to validate the fact that just because she loves nature, short bob haircuts, and boots, doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian. But Timothy Treadwell, with his short blonde bob haircut, boots, and love of nature might just be a lesbian.
Also included in the film are a cast of characters that the Lady Den Girl’s came to love and enjoy throughout the film almost more than the actual Grizzly Man himself. We loved the bears. I loved the foxes but the bears, too.
The movie is full of terrific moments between Timothy and his animal friends. He’s like a modern day Saint Francis of Assisi, minus the religious aspect (at one point in the film he refers to the son of God as “Jesus Boy”), the tranquility (he liked to swear at the animals and then burst into tears), and the posthumous reverence and admiration that Saint Francis received. More likely, people look at Timothy Treadwell and think something more attune to what the pilot was thinking: Was he retarded?.
Timothy was sure to give each of his animal friends a special name, which the Lady Den quickly adopted as their own. Colleen and I, who were maybe most in love with the movie, picked which bear or fox friend most accurately described each Lady Den girl.
There was…
-Sergeant Brown, who is most like Daina for his strict Eastern European ways and enjoys to knit.
-Wendy, who is really a lot like Mara. She was also Timothy’s favorite bear, as is proven in the poop scene. Timothy is walking down a path and sees a steamy pile of shit. He proceeds to touch the poop and then says, “Some people might think it’s weird because I’m touching the poop… but it was in Wendy! I love Wendy! It’s a part of her!” Yeah, that about sums up Mara.
- Aunt Melissa, is clearly Katie, maybe only for the reason that Timothy named her “Aunt”. She sounds like an old lady who might make you cupcakes and dress in sweater vests. Now if only Aunt Melissa the Bear chugged Miller Lites like a desert traveler who hasn’t had any fluids in weeks, then it would be a dead on comparison.
- Mr. Chocolate is Colleen. We have decided that Timothy really meant that the bear’s name was Mr. Choklit, because the bear was super hip. But now to be even more hip, the name is M-Chok, like a rapper.
And then there were the fox friends, who were my personal favorite for their little tricks and games.
-Timmy the Fox is me, Megan (or T-Fox, my rapper name). I love that Timothy named a fox after himself. I also love that none of the bears have “the Bear” after their name, as if to clarify their species. Timmy the Fox was just hilarious the whole movie! A real show stealer!
-Ghost is Gwen. He’s a good friend of Timmy the Fox and lives in the same den. Ghost also caused some trouble and made Timothy very angry. He stole Timothy’s hat which led to a chase scene. “Ghost!” Timothy yells. “You come back here with that hat! That hat is critical to this trip! CRITICAL!” After yelling this, Timothy appears to have a little breakdown where he starts to cry and screams, “Ghost! If that hat’s in the den I’m gonna fuckin’ explode!” Woah. Settle down, Timothy.
The Lady Den suggests that everyone see this movie. We are not recommending it so you can further your appreciation of nature and the majesty of the Grizzly Bear and the need to increase and expand conservation efforts, but we recommend it so you can see these crazy, crazy people. You might think, “At least I didn’t let myself get eaten by a bear, so I must not be that crazy.”
Some of Our Favorite Quotes:
Timothy: “I've always wished I was gay, it would have been a lot easier. You know, it's just Bing! Bing! Bing! - gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it's like so easy for them and stuff.”
Timothy: “If that hat’s in the den, I’m gonna fuckin’ explode!”
Sam Egli, the Pilot: “That bear, I think, that day, decided that he had either had enough of Tim Treadwell or that something clicked in that bear's head that he thought 'Hey, you know, he might be good to eat.’”
Timothy: “I want rain. I want, if there's a God, to kick some ass down here. Let's have some water! Jesus boy! Let's have some water! Christ man or Allah or Hindu floaty thing! Let's have some fucking water for these animals!”
posted by DrCheese @ 1:10 PM
1 comments
Friday, March 31, 2006
Hobby Lobby
This is it, fans, six months of near solitude in sweater-form:
posted by DrCheese @ 12:57 AM
0 comments
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Kids' Korner II: Arts and Crafts
I've spent the last two weeks teaching animals to my students. I will die happily if I never hear the godforsaken song 'Old MacDonald' again. Besides being repeatedly questioned whether Old MacDonald was in fact related to the well-known fast food chain ('No, he's an organic farmer--an old man, really') and if the duck and chicken pictured in Old MacDo's farm were infected with the grippe aviare ('No, they were immunized, and it hasn't reached the U.S. yet'), some good did come out of the lesson plan.
During one wildly popular assignment, I had the kids draw 'monsters,' hybrids of two animals they selected from an envelope containing 'horse,' 'cow,' 'sheep,' 'duck,' and 'chicken.' These four examples came from my favorite class of 9-10 yr. olds. See if you can guess which animals they blended, and notice their monsters' creative names.
--an educator
During one wildly popular assignment, I had the kids draw 'monsters,' hybrids of two animals they selected from an envelope containing 'horse,' 'cow,' 'sheep,' 'duck,' and 'chicken.' These four examples came from my favorite class of 9-10 yr. olds. See if you can guess which animals they blended, and notice their monsters' creative names.
--an educator
posted by DrCheese @ 7:47 AM
0 comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
The Lady Den in its birth
Meg: I was thinking, I don't want to work in an office forever. I think that we should all start our own company or something. Let's all become madames and start an upscale whorehouse for business people. Katie can handle the reservations and I think a good job for Gwen would be making sure that all the rooms are stocked with condoms and lube. I'm not sure what Colleen and Mara would do yet, but I think that it would have something to do with entertainment. Like, they might get special guests for the whorehouse like a slutty midget or a blind asian.
Daina: wtf?! whats my role? can i be in charge of linens? Mmmm
Colleen: Megan I think you me can switch off showing off the "lineup" and giving
detailed descriptions to each girl. I think Mara can show off the different
"props" and outfits we provide for our girls. It's a great idea!
Katie: Katie can also be our recruiter... isn't that her current job title?
Meg: Ha ha, yeah, Daina is totally in charge of linens! So gross! I am going to be in charge of the bar/nightlife scene. Is that okay with everyone?
Colleen: Yes... we'll let you pick them out and everything Daina. Maybe you and Gwen can also be in charge of the "sex toy library", like after Mara explains
what we have to offer they go to you guys and ask for something by a code
name. Like "Turkey Sandwich" is the double penetration strap on.
Gwen: so am i still maintenance staff? me on walkie talkie: "fuzz...were going to need some more ky for room 17, stat. do you copy that?” P.S. we should have chocolates on pillows. Dont put me on that too. i'll eat anything in large quantities thats free.
Meg: Gwennie, it isn't maintenance, it's like "quality control". We need you for that.
Gwen: I would stock the rooms with a lot of raunchy porn mags. Katie can ask them what theyre into when the check in.
Colleen: We'll have Daina do linens and chocolates. Gwen condoms and lube. perhaps you can be the makeup artist for the women... or you can buy the different outfits for them to wear. paint their toenails. that would be funny.
Katie: I like the whorehouse idea- Megan can you find out the laws about it. How 'legal' is this? Gwen, I'm glad you gave yourself a walkie-talkie, that gives you power...can i get one too? I also like your comment about eating things in large quantities that are free (I actually started laughing and shaking my head. Good thing everyone in the department is at lunch from 11:30-1). Daina-while you clean the linens, can you speak with an accent or speak another language...I think that would give the whorehouse the feel we need. What's the name of this place anyways? Gwen- I, too, wish it was real.
Gwen: we shall call this place..."maa" (Ed: the acronym for our high school)
Daina: where could we set up this whorehouse? its legal in vegas and the
netherlands, and greece, too, i think because of the olympics.
Meg: We WILL call the whorehouse MAA. Only, we should say that the acronym stands for something else. I can't think of what right now, though.
Mara: I think that the model our whorehouse should be built on is "use your body, not your batteries."
Daina: wtf?! whats my role? can i be in charge of linens? Mmmm
Colleen: Megan I think you me can switch off showing off the "lineup" and giving
detailed descriptions to each girl. I think Mara can show off the different
"props" and outfits we provide for our girls. It's a great idea!
Katie: Katie can also be our recruiter... isn't that her current job title?
Meg: Ha ha, yeah, Daina is totally in charge of linens! So gross! I am going to be in charge of the bar/nightlife scene. Is that okay with everyone?
Colleen: Yes... we'll let you pick them out and everything Daina. Maybe you and Gwen can also be in charge of the "sex toy library", like after Mara explains
what we have to offer they go to you guys and ask for something by a code
name. Like "Turkey Sandwich" is the double penetration strap on.
Gwen: so am i still maintenance staff? me on walkie talkie: "fuzz...were going to need some more ky for room 17, stat. do you copy that?” P.S. we should have chocolates on pillows. Dont put me on that too. i'll eat anything in large quantities thats free.
Meg: Gwennie, it isn't maintenance, it's like "quality control". We need you for that.
Gwen: I would stock the rooms with a lot of raunchy porn mags. Katie can ask them what theyre into when the check in.
Colleen: We'll have Daina do linens and chocolates. Gwen condoms and lube. perhaps you can be the makeup artist for the women... or you can buy the different outfits for them to wear. paint their toenails. that would be funny.
Katie: I like the whorehouse idea- Megan can you find out the laws about it. How 'legal' is this? Gwen, I'm glad you gave yourself a walkie-talkie, that gives you power...can i get one too? I also like your comment about eating things in large quantities that are free (I actually started laughing and shaking my head. Good thing everyone in the department is at lunch from 11:30-1). Daina-while you clean the linens, can you speak with an accent or speak another language...I think that would give the whorehouse the feel we need. What's the name of this place anyways? Gwen- I, too, wish it was real.
Gwen: we shall call this place..."maa" (Ed: the acronym for our high school)
Daina: where could we set up this whorehouse? its legal in vegas and the
netherlands, and greece, too, i think because of the olympics.
Meg: We WILL call the whorehouse MAA. Only, we should say that the acronym stands for something else. I can't think of what right now, though.
Mara: I think that the model our whorehouse should be built on is "use your body, not your batteries."
posted by DrCheese @ 7:48 AM
0 comments
