Happy blog holiday.

from the Lady Den

Inappropriate.

MS: It’s time to play a game!! It’s called: Is this a (biological) man or a woman?
First round:

MD: lady
MS: Megan wins since she was first to respond correctly. Gender theorist Judith Butler is, in fact, a lady. Okay, round 2:
Is the person in the middle a man or a woman?:

MD: ha ha ha.... I have nothing to do which makes me look like a loser because i can respond to an e-mail in ten seconds flat!
BAM BAM BAM. Manpants.
MS: WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a female. Picture is the band Le Tigre.
What about this person?

MD: Man
MS: Good job, Megan!!!!!!!!!!!!
How about this one?

MD: HA HA! Katie is going to hate that.
K: I don't like you making fun of Jesus!!! No one likes him anymore...no one goes to his 'home' to pray and now you're mocking his gender! Mara, you have no shame!
MD: Hey, hey.... CRAZY TOWN CALLED! THEY WANT THEIR JESUS FREAKS BACK FOR THEIR BABY RAPE PARTY.

Excerpts

A better idea of what goes on behind those office doors:

C: I hate today already. I've been here an hour and it feels like three! WAHWAH!
MS: this 15-year-old kid who was crawling up and down the halls just ran into my office and stole my water off my desk and starting drinking it. his doctor had to fetch him. so, now i'm out of the first water i ever purchased from the coke machine downstairs (i felt like non-water fountain water this morning).
MD: My work has water with it's own labels--Private label water! And free hot chocolate, 3 kinds. Marshmallows, Regular, and less fat plus calcium (my choice). So, Stanky, you may have all of the fun at work and do stuff that actually matters, but I've got all the beverages I can handle- for free, which I drink while spinning in my chair.
G: i lost a receipt for a nice expensive suit from br. why i thought i needed something lined with double reinforced buttons is beyond me, as I’m likely competing for jobs with someone who’s never heard of banana republic. or a suit for that matter.
MD: Gwennie, if this makes you feel better... Yesterday I brought home a S & F mug just for you. You can drink coffee out of it while wearing the business suit and yell things like, "And I need this on my desk yesterday! Where are documents! God damn!"
G: ha, i laughed out loud. true or false: my parents dont know im currently unemployed, so im sitting in the (town) library, pretending im at work.
MD: You could come to work with me and sit in my office with me. I may have mentioned this before, but I have an extra chair.
C: I just bought yogurt covered raisins and a big tub (yes, tub) of regular raisins. Kristine got a two pack of the Hostess cupcakes. I also have one scoop of protein for my after lunch snack. Do you guys even know me? I went to the gym and had to admit to (trainer) that I can't even do one push up. He made me do a bunch of push up stuff and laughed most of the time. He said that he was going to turn me into a piece of steel. That's right, steel. I can't lift my arms today.
G: i dont like this new "buff colleen." its like we dont even know you: special times for "protein," steel arms and other orifices. Whats next--you cant drink alcohol. who does this t. think he is? is he all lubed up and tan like leather? spiky hair? in my head hes all of these things. oh, wait, now im just thinking of the "hot bodies," who stripped for me.
C: Don't worry, I joined a gym in the first place so I could eat fried foods and drink like a fish. I'm not craving the fried foods, but I NEED the booze. I'm still the same old g.
...I should say that I actually really like T. We generally have a pretty good time, and I'm fine with teasing. He also pointed out my huge man socks at stretching time, and I said, I like to wear mens socks because I have such big feet. He asked what size, called them skis and then pointed them out to one of the other trainers. I spend most of my workout saying "you are a horrible person" and "I hate you", so I'm fine with whatever he has to offer. I think he finds me entertaining, which is really all I'm after.
Oh, can I also say that I'm reading this magazine and they are featuring this vibrator that is an attachment to a cell phone. It goes off for 20 seconds every time you receive a text and the whole time you have a conversation. Let me tell you. If any of you cats are having this sort of party while I am talking to you, I will kill you.
D: lovely lady lumps: so im sitting in the teacher college, enjoying a free beer i ganked from the soiree they held tonight. imagine a room full of chips, semi warm drinks; and not that fun french kids--a mix of teachers-to-be and history masters students. anyone naked? not when i left. so i also got jenny to grab a bag of peanuts and now im living large, checking my email.
what to report....dealt with satans spawn today at one school. found out that school also has a girl with creepy crawly lice. in a class i teach. guess whos wearing her hair way, way up on thursday. tried to teach thanksgiving; ended up confusing the kids with my wacky past tense constructions about these darned 'colonistes' and 'indiens d'Amerique'. but turkey hands were a huge success. got to look for some word searches or something for the rest of the week.
i almost forgot. i bought a red bike today!!! flat wheels; so theyre getting repared. come friday, im flying
MD: Congrats on the bike! Sounds like a dream. Ride off into the french sunset!
MS: i think colleen and t. are gonna make it. maybe with the vibrating phone attachment. if he can forgive her "skis", she can forgive the fact that he's a trainer.
MD: This bike talk is making me wish that my bike never got stolen, returned, and restolen.
D: god, so much support! thanks guys. know im terrified that my bike will either a) fall apart in a file of rusty parts while im riding it or b) cause me to have a horrendous head injury since i have no helmet. lets hope it only helps me get to my faraway school on time
MD: Knit a helmet
D: so my brain can ooze out of my own handiwork? knitting in the round; it is!

The Working Stiff's Lunch

by *meg*:

Anyone who works a nine to five knows that their day is timed out in reference to the lunch hour. Time is measured in pre and post lunch terms. Therefore, the actual glory hour that is the lunch break becomes infinitely important to keep one’s sanity throughout the day.

For my lunch hour (which usually extends to more like an hour and a half), I need to go outside, walk around, remind myself that there is more to life than cream colored office walls and flickering fluorescent lights.

When I started my nine to five, I usually brought my lunch from home: a cucumber sandwich, yogurt, a piece of fruit. I ate my lunch alone either outside or tucked away in a corner of the Firm lunchroom. After a couple weeks, this routine became old. I needed change to keep my day moving forward, racing rapid fire toward the end of the day instead of slugging slowly onward to the inevitable beginning of the next day.

Lucky for me, my good friend Katie soon joined the ranks of “Law Firm Lackey” and took a job at a Firm only a few blocks from my own. Sometimes we’d bring our own lunches and eat together or hit up the newest lunch deal of the week, usually brought to our attention by Office Intern Minion, Daina.

The days of summer flew by as we looked forward to our daily lunch meetings and Subway Sandwich deals or soup specials.

But, as the weather became colder, the Subway sandwiches just weren’t doing the lunch time trick like they used to. I found myself saying, “If I eat one more veggie patty on this bullshit bread, I’m going to throw the fax machine out the window, right onto Michigan Avenue!”

Just as Katie and I thought all was lost, we discovered the Signature Salad from Cosi, a morning coffee and bagel place that makes sandwiches and salads during lunch. The salad was delicious. We couldn’t get enough! But, the $7 price tag was not doing either one of us any good. We tried to refrain from the salad. I would tell Katie, “Oh, I brought my lunch today. A cucumber salad… No, no yogurt today.” By noon, my cucumber sandwich was always long gone and I found myself traveling to the familiar Cosi salad line by 3:00 P.M. I knew I was cheating on my lunchtime partner, but what could I do? Who was I trying to kid with a cucumber sandwich on low carb wheat bread? That’s a mere snack, not a whole meal. It’s the appetizer to a delicious Signature salad, packed with grapes, dried cranberries, pears, and oh the vinaigrette!

Then one day, something happened that made me question the Signature Salad.

Katie and I had traveled to the Cosi on Clark and Lake (not my usual Cosi). As was customary, we complained about the price of the salad. “I just want another coupon from the Red Eye!” Katie would yell. “$2 off! You can’t beat that!” We ordered our salads-hold the pistachios, please- and sat down to dine.

“Delicious!” I would say.
“I just love this salad!” Katie would agree.
As we got to the bottom of our salad bowls, Katie looked down and began to laugh.
“Look what’s in here!” She continued to giggle.
I looked in her almost empty bowl and there, curled up on a little piece of Romaine, was an earwig.
“It looks like he’s sleeping in that salad,” I said as I put my fork down. I was almost done anyway.

Katie continued eating her salad. I looked at her for a long time until she made eye contact with me and said, “What? This salad’s so good! It’s just a bug. I’m eating around it.”

To both of us, that made perfect sense and I watched her finish her delicious Cosi Salad-carefully avoiding the earwig.

In retrospect, she could have taken the earwig, along with it’s lettuce bed, out of the bowl so she wouldn’t have to stare at it as she picked around for loose grapes and gorgonzola cheese, but she just didn’t think of that.

For a few weeks after the salad incident, Katie and I spent our lunch dates at a local Mr. Sub where a veggie sub was only $2.36! We could eat three lunches for what one Cosi Signature Salad cost us.

But soon, the urge to have one of those delicious salads came back. The veggie sub just wasn’t cutting it anymore. While I loved the money I was saving, I just missed that salad.

So today, Katie and I broke down and went to the Cosi on Clark & Lake and each had a Signature Salad-hold the earwig please. And I know that both our days will be better because we went.

A little T.V. lovin'

posted by <3Mara

Now, this may sound ridiculous. Wait, what am I saying? I know it will. Regardless, I'm not afraid to admit that I'm in love with the Real World Austin:



These little buggers are a real motley crew, a jolly lot!

Anyway, I love them for several reasons, but all of the reasons really boil down to one thing:

They're ridiculous people.

Now, I've watched these kids for the whole season. I've seen how they fight; I've seen how they've played; and I've seen how they've just sat around all day doing nothing. Okay, okay, okay. To be fair, MTV does edit the Real World to show exactly what they want to show. I think they basically decide even before casting how they're going to edit the tapes to exaggerate only one side of each person's personality. Well, they've done very well this season. I truly realized the beauty after the episode where Rachel called out Lacey for always talking shit behind one another's backs. They edited in Wes's prior predications of how Lacey would react during the confrontation, and she did exactly as he said she would. Beautiful.

Anyway, my point is that although I don't know them in real life, I feel like I have a good idea of the people they are. Ridiculous-type people...and the following:

**Melinda : Real Wisconsin like. Lets Danny play with her body and mind.
**Lacey: Hipster gone over the edge. Unique but not unique, crazy but not crazy. You understand.
**Danny: Needs some professional help with anger management.
**Rachel: Dates a man who sends ice cream in the mail. That explains it all.
**Nehemiah: Thinks he's really smart and world-weary but says the same crap you find in Chicken Soup for the Soul.
**Johanna: Fabulous. Could be my friend in real life minus Leo. He'd be mine.
**Wes: The epitome of a Real World character but realizes it. One lazy son-of-a-bitch.

All in all, regardless of how irresponsible these kids are, they're a fun crowd. Their exceptional typicality is lovely. It keeps me interested for hours on end. I OnDemand episodes when I miss them and look forward to the next ones.

Therefore, when the very last episode airs next week, I will be sad. I might even cry. But I cry easily, so it's basically a given. The point is that I want to thank MTV for this viewing pleasure. It's an end of an era for me. Never before have I ever seen a full Real World season while it was airing and never will I see one again. This was my year to take off from school and treat myself to things like this. I'm glad it was made all the more ridiculous.

The Spirit of the Holidays

A warm Christmas memory brought to you by Colleen:

A couple of Christmas' ago my family was getting ready for Christmas Eve mass (which happens to be the children's mass at my church), and we were running late, naturally. We get to church, and it is PACKED. We are stuck in the vestibule because apparently everyone thought that there wouldn't be a crowd at the 3 o'clock mass on Christmas Eve. It was annoying, but Christmas, so I continued to smile. Communion time rolls along, and they have a priest that comes all the way to the back for the people who came late and have to stand. I'm in line behind everyone in my family, but my sister. I have my hands folded, and I'm smiling because, hey, Santa's coming (not in Communion form, I'm not that confused). There is this man who is wearing what appears to be hunting gear. He has cargo khaki pants on, a collared shirt that has deer on it, with a green vest that has lots of pockets. I smile at him, as I am smiling at everyone who makes eye contact with me. He brushes up against me, and because the church is crowded, and because I have such a large presence, I turn and say, "Sorry". But then, I realized, that wasn't a brush up, that was a brush with the hand on the ass and a firm squeeze. It took a second, because, what? Who's ready for that when they are at church? I turn around to see his back leaving the church. What is interesting about him leaving is that he never went up for Communion. He went to church, in my mind, to touch my butt. Merry Christmas to you, you dirty old man. That is what I considered my good deed for Christmas.

I am a Puppy

posted by *meg d*:
Am I condescended to on a daily basis, or does it just seem that way? As each day passes, a resounding “YES” screams the answer to my question.

At my corporate job, which appears to pay nothing, I am treated more like a puppy than an actual person. I’m not saying that they “work me like a dog”, but that I do, in fact, get treated like a puppy. I receive the same benefits and punishments that a lovable five pound puppy would, if this puppy worked at a law firm. I am often spoken to only in a high pitched squeal. For example someone might say, “The binders look great, good job!” But the “good job” is said in a pitch to high for my human eardrums to register properly. I can only assume that they are saying “good job” by reading their lips. I am $60,000 in debt to a respectable university and I am complimented on my ability to use a three hole punch and then put these papers into a 3-ring binder. I am glad that my education is paying off.

I am far too often called “cute” at work. This is not in a “Your shoes are so cute!” kind of a way. I’ll perhaps, make a joke, and no one will laugh at what I consider to be my superior wit and humorous intellect, but instead a middle aged woman will turn to another middle aged woman and say, “She’s so cute!”. Almost anything I do or say will be classified as cute, just like a puppy.

I am also scolded like a puppy. As if explaining to a puppy why they should not have chewed up your favorite pair of slippers, it is explained to me why I should be more polite to Mr. Asshole Attorney, even though he was not polite to me. But then, my apology is always so cute and sincere that no one in the office can be mad at me for long. “Look at her sad face! It’s so cute!”

Right now, I am the office puppy. I am a novelty and very cute. It seems that everyone is thrown aback by the young college graduate who prances around the office in what they all consider to be “trendy” clothes and shoes. I recently died my hair from blonde to its more natural dark brown. This shocked many people around the office because I suddenly was more grown up and less “adorable” with mysterious dark hair. This is just the beginning. Pretty soon they may begin to realize that my jokes and giggling are filled with biting sarcasm and harsh judgments on their office lifestyles. It is only a matter of time until my cute mistakes, tardiness, and lack of thoroughness are no longer read as “sweet” but instead as my own personal commentary on my job and the people who work here.

If this is the case, I better relish in my days of being the office puppy. My days are numbered. I have to get out before I turn into the office dog that is beat daily with a rolled up newspaper and chained up to the coffee maker.

Welcome.

Welcome to the Lady Den's official blog!

From now on, Colleen, Daina, Gwen, Katie, Megan, and Mara will be posting randomly for your viewing pleasure.

We hope you have fun at our parties.

Love,

Isabella (all of us)